Remind Me to Forget, Next Time – Thoughts From 2008
Some cannot forget. I cannot remember. Lost in the space between me and my self I roam, in search of what I used to know. Have I ever really known?
It is frightful, the lightness of its dance. I have sworn myself many times I would keep it on the doorpost of my sanity, but each time I look for it, it is gone. What is left of us without experience? Creatures in the womb. We experience and climb up the staircase, we experience to go forward. And we go forward not to go backward. And what happens if backward and forward are in the same direction?
Each day my heart wakes up, I live a new life. Do you forget and die? My learned lesson unlearned, my memory erased, every moment a new one, inevitably like the one before. Circles, circles, circles, concentric; a corkscrew dares to pierce the centre and let the ancient lymph overflow, but I always miss it. I am the bruise on my flesh. A vein has broken, perhaps forever, but the blood will not spill out. A patch of dead life entangled in the thread of my skin. I am the black widow, drawing my existence to the centre of my cobweb only to devour it. And then do it once again. Moving forward does not exist. Moving forward is my breath looking for a way out the cobweb, sucked back by my throat. An existence lost, in the space between me and my self.
I long for the hunchback in my liver to tear my flesh and leave me only the void. In the void I would build. A space, where what-I-was could grow in.
I will not be anything but what I have been. If I do not move backward I will never go forward. The am I am now is not. To experience, I must be without experience, in the womb again.
So, who is standing on the bridge between my was and my will? A hand writing as if it were tomorrow of what yesterday was. A ghost. Between the meanwhile and the now, on a day which is already the night before. I am a shadow –
And yet, unobserved by my eyes, the shadow creeps towards the light of darkness, having been blinded already by the dark heart of the sun.